So it is time. Time pull the boys out of the game. Time to cut and run. Time to salt the fields. Time to ditch the spunk in my spunk. Time to poison the worms. Time to crack the nuts. Time to break the eggs. Time to…. get my balls chopped.
I live in a remote place. Not many people. Not that many doctors. Even fewer with actual medical training. Turns out there is like one guy in my county who does vasectomies. It isn’t his full time gig you see. He also scopes knees, sets arms, cuts hair and butchers the cows on Thursday. Nevertheless, I call him to make an appointment.
Ring ring. His female nurse/receptionist/business manager/fellow barber answers the phone.
Her: Hello?
Me: Um, yes, I um, need to get fixed.
Her: Fix what?
Me: You know, fixed. Like can’t have kids anymore. A vass…… (It isn’t like I didn’t know the name for the procedure. I just froze up at that moment because I realized there was mathematically a 1 in 10 chance I probably knew the lady on the other end of the call – small town, gotta love it)
Her: A vasectomy?
Me: Yes, the “big snip”
Her: It really isn’t that big you know.
Me: That’s not what she said.
Her: What?
Me: Nevermind
Her: Okay… well, it is a three step process. We have a preconsult where you come with your wife
Me: What if I don’t have a wife handy (I do – not sure where I was taking this one)
Her: Well, are you married?
Me: Um, yes
Her: Then you have a wife
Me: What if she isn’t handy? (resisting to go down the same sex marriage path for shit and giggles knowing that ultimately if my wife is a dude then there is no reason to have the Big Snip unless it improves the taste. Speaking of that, does it? Not that I would know but you would think since you are eliminating the worms you would change the taste. I digress…)
Her: Look, we just like for her to be involved but it isn’t a requirement.
Me: Okay, so can you do this tomorrow?
Her: *laughs* oh no no no. The doctor only does these in the morning twice a month on a Friday.
Me: Okay. How about this Friday?
Her: Earliest I have available is Friday, October 31st.
Me: I’m not from Haiti
Her: What?
Me: The only time your doctor can take a knife to my boys is Halloween. I mean, can you think of an absolute worst time to do that? Halloween? You know this could be the start of a slasher film… or a really disturbing porno. There is no luck to be garnered by getting chopped on Halloween.
Her: *laughs* I see your point. Well, he’s full in November. December looks bad…mmmm… wait this can’t be right. I am showing lots of availability on the 26th
Me: The day after Christmas. No one wants to get their boys chopped then. Wait, why in the world is he working then?
Her: Who?
Me: The doctor, it is Christmas
Her: He’s an atheist. (I am not kidding here)
Me: I am too but hey, Christmas is really more about spending time with the family blah blah blah. I’ll take a pass.
Her: Okay, well, he’s on vacation in Januarary…
Me: The whole month?
Her: Yes, going to Europe to ski for a month
From here the conversation just went south into a discussion of European skiing for five minutes. I finally said, ok, look. I travel for a living. There is no way I can plan anything this far in advance. I’ll call around. Oh ya, turn out I knew her too.
Rant
Look. I hear it is a simple procedure. Does that sound simple to you??? I want it to be like ordering a pizza… except with nurses in fishnets. Oh ya, and Nitrous Oxide. Lots of Nitrous Oxide. And Valium. And rock music and guns and trucks and fire engines. I want ESPN and chicken wings. I want beer. I want it to be quick. I want it when I want it and how I want it. Is that too much to ask?
There are only two times of the year that I would willingly sacrifice 2 week of my life from being free from harsh physical activity – October/Early November and Mid April – Mid May. The only reason I am wanting to do this now is because I actually have time this week. The rest of the year it is either ski season or hike/bike season. So I don’t have time to play this “doctor” thing. I want choppage and I want it now. I want it to be like McBall Choppers. ”I’m loving it!”
To be continued...
EDIT: I couldn’t resist… I had to look into this taste thing. The jury appears to be out but those on the side of “yes” say “yes – but not in a good way”.
